Thursday Pt. IV of VII

I don’t have the answers

To all the tough questions

Sometimes I feel like what comes from my mouth is a wellspring of wisdom

Sometimes I don’t

I try to offer my two cents

To be the leader that I know I’m created to be

In this I know there are things I can do better

Things I can stop doing

 

Sometimes I wake up sad and have no idea why

Sometimes I repeat a phrase over and over to myself until I believe it

But often those phrases are run unintentional in the back of my mind

And often they are self-depricating

I’m trying to be a worthwhile human being

I see so much grace for other people

I see men who have started wars

And parents and lovers who have caused immense pain

But I’ve always felt their is forgiveness for them

It doesn’t matter what they’ve done

There is still love for them

That they still are good and whole and healed

I struggle to feel the same about myself

I see my mistakes

Feel the weight

Know the pain they’ve caused

And I cannot think that I am good

I cannot think that I am loved

Because look at the power behind these fists

The death held within these lips

Look how I could cripple you

Destroy you

Rip you heart out

Look how I’ve crippled myself

Destroyed me

Ripped my own heart out

And I think there cannot be love for me

Look at what I’ve done

 

Yet I continue to hear this sweet song

Call out to me from the driest of deserts

It says come child, come

I say no

I say you do not want me to come

You will not love me when you see my face

You could not love me when you see the blood upon my hands

The song is sweet

It says sh sh child

Hear my voice

Hear my voice

I am every love you have ever desired

I am what you are looking for

Even here within this desert

Come, let me wet your tongue before you die of thirst

I shake my head

Shake it fiercly

I say no

You do not want to water me

Let me die out here without a stream

That’s why I have found my way into this desert

So I may die of thirst

So I may rid myself of stepping on anymore toes

So I can never never never hurt the ones I love again

Let me die

The song continues

And in the coils of death

I cry out

Why have you forsaken me?

I cry out

Do you no longer lover me?

Is what you sung to me as a child all so very much a lie?

It all feels quiet

It all feels still

I lay my head against the sand

My lips continue to break open and bleed

Until there is no blood left to pump through this lonesome heart

That’s when I begin to hear the song again

It says I never left

I call to you each day

I wrap you in my arms when you’re fast asleep shivering at night

I am the whisper that speaks to you late in the night

That-

Speak to me in words I can understand I scream into the wind

Sand coats the inside of my mouth and it is all becomes so very still

A river forms and grass begins to grow

I am led to the waters

And slowly lowered in

The cool water kisses

gently my skin

I am submerged

And stay until I can breathe again

I lay in the grass and fall fast asleep

The desert sand burns through my skin

And the sun blisters my back

I jolt upright

The grass is still beneath me

The river still moves beside me

I never left

I never will

I let out a brief sigh

And consider going back out into the desert

I can still see it

It’s behind me

I don’t feel that I belong here

And I feel like that will make it hard to stay

Even though this is all I’ve ever longed for

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s